be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
