I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
