mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
