Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
