I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
