Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
