I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
