I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
