Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
