After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Come see our sink grown plant.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
