I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
