i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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