Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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