I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
