I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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