bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
