I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
