Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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