It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
