so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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