i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
