Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
