considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
