got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I would ride that face into the sunset
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
