OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
