Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
