I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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