Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
