Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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