if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
