2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Randomize
