I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
