I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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