I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
