I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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