A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
