worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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