Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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