the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
