The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
