He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
