hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
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My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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