sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
