so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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