I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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