she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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