I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
