Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
