I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
