i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
