Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
i've created a new STD.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
