tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Randomize
