Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
