Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I need a burrito and a hug.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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