I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
