Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It's rum buckets o'clock
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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