hell yes lets make some ravioli
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
