if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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