hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
